My Children...

I have heard women say they lose themselves after having children.. For me.. It is the opposite. Having my children has made me find myself. In a whole new way. I am "Mommy" "Mom" "Mama" "Maaaa!" and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My kids are my whole entire life... I can't imagine living without them. And I almost can't remember life before them.. How did I live then ? Without these precious people in my life.

Having children is such a miracle. They are made from something so small.. They grow, inside of you, into an entire person! As if that isn't amazing enough, Your body KNOWS how to birth them.. Without any aid, without any help, your body knows. And then, from no where, there they are.. They come into this world so tiny and fragile, they depend on you for everything.. And then they begin to grow (Far too fast if you ask me) And they bless you everyday with their words and actions..

I promise you there isn't a day that goes by that I don't hit my knees and thank God for blessing me with my children. I thank Him for trusting me with the most wonderful little people. For believing I can do a good job in raising them.

For all the hardships of Motherhood. For all of the sacrifice, there is no way on earth I'd ever trade it for anything else in this world.

I always knew I wanted to be a Mother. It was one thing I was always sure of. I have always loved everything about babies. So when Husam and I got married I wanted to have children right away. Husam wanted to wait a bit, but we compromised and Nadia was conceived 9 months into our marriage. I remember being pregnant and asking my Mom "But what will I do with her when we get home?!" She said- She will let you know ;-) And she did.

I found you can never understand the love your parents have for you until you have children. I knew my parents loved me of course.. But until I experienced the love of a Mother for myself, I could never comprehend how unconditional, how strong, how powerful, how amazingly consuming the love of a Mother is. I remember looking at my first daughter when she was a few days old and thinking "wow. my Mom REALLY loves me"

I don't let a day go by where I don't tell my kids how much I love them. I tell them several times a day , everyday. And I am glad for this, because Nadia who is 4 now will just randomly say "I love you Momma" I always tell her "I love you too baby, more than anything in the whole world!!!" She's such a loving little girl.

I am lucky. Sometimes I think.. Why do I deserve this? My children are amazing. I am blessed. I am loved. I am Mommy. And guess what? There isn't anything else I'd rather be.

Have I ever mentioned I detest winter?

So starting Sunday we're going to have weather in the 40s (We haven't seen this in MONTHS) and beautiful sunshine.. I'm trying to hold onto that thought as we haven't seen the sun in a week.. And... This is what I see when I open my front door.. Lovely right?? That's 2 feet of snow your looking at!! (On top of another 8 inches we got a few days ago) And we still have another foot coming through tomorrow!! Kind of unbelievable! I really hate winter in general.. So I'm not sure what hubby and I were thinking when we bought a house IN a ski resort. Yes. You heard me. INSIDE a ski resort.. Beautiful huh?? If you like to ski I guess. We don't. So we see snow from November (When they start making it) Until April when it all FINALLY melts away! I can't STAND it! Which is part of the reason we are trying to see our house.. Anyone looking for a 3 bedroom house in Northern NJ? Let me know! HA!


Here is the view from one of the upstairs windows. So as I look out my window now. The snow is still falling. I'm tempted to shut the blinds and ignore the world until Monday! Monday monday monday. If I can look ahead until that time, I will make it through this! Luckily I went Wednesday to stock up on groceries and Wednesday night the snow began. And it hasn't stopped.

Nadia had a good time playing in the snow yesterday while Sami and Samirah took their naps. I hate cold , snow, and wet, so I stayed inside! Husam took her out while he made an attempt to get started at shoveling us out. I have a bit of cabin fever since Wednesday was the last time I left the house and I know Sunday is the absolute earliest I'll get out. If I'm lucky that is. Because yea.. There should be snow showers Sunday too. They don't THINK it will add to more accumulations. But really.. At this point.. What's the difference!?

Monday is Samirah's 6 week check up. And Tuesday is mine. So I really hope we will make it out for those..

I swear I have some good blogs coming up!! I just had to come and gripe about the stupid snow as of right now !! but I will leave you with some cute pictures of the kiddos!~!

I took this one of Sami and Nadia a few days ago.. They are really loving with eachother lately.. Most of the time anyways...













Here is little meerkat!! Asleep like an Angel. I took this one of her last night when I put her in her bassinet. She promptly woke up and spent the rest of the night in bed with us as usual. It's getting awfully crowded in our bed as Nadia gets bigger and still co-sleeps lol. We'll get there though... Samirah had an especially fussy night for some reason. She nursed at least 10 times throughout the night. Seriously. I don't know why anyone WOULDN'T co-sleep. It's the only way I get any kind of sleep at all lol

New PC!

My husband bought me a new PC! WOO HOO! Now I can get back to blogging on a more regular basis! I have some blogs in mind I want to write, but I'm too tired for tonight! I'll be back as soon as the kids give me a few quiet moments to string together some sentences that make some type of sense! hehehe

The birth of Meerkitten...

After two natural "land" births I wanted to try something different for my 3rd.. So I looked into water birth. It actually wasn't until I was 29 weeks pregnant that I switched from my OB to a group of 3 midwives. I was a little nervous about making the switch so late, but after a tearful appointment of arguing with my OB about MANY things- I decided it was time. I was so sick of FIGHTING to have things go my way. And also extremely annoyed of hearing how I should wean my son when I clearly stated from the start that wouldn't be happening!

I immediately loved all 3 of the midwives. All 3 of them were so sweet, supportive, and understanding. I clicked most with Lisa. I just love love love her! She's fantastic! But I felt confident no matter who was on call when the time came to birth I would be happy and well supported.

When I was 37 weeks pregnant with Samirah I was having strong contractions often. I was sure I'd go ahead of my due date. And then. On New Years Day- I took a fall down a flight of stairs. Hard.. While holding my son. I gave my tailbone a good crack and the fall jarred my body. I stopped having all those contractions I was having- and quite honestly I was GLAD. I was so afraid of having to give birth with the terrible pain I was in. Sitting down HURT! Going to the bathroom hurt- I couldn't imagine pushing out a person at that point.

As the next few weeks passed my tailbone got a bit better- but I really felt it wouldn't fully heal until after Samirah came.. Her weight was just sitting right there and it wasn't able to fully get better. Going to my chiropracter did help some and give me slight relief in these weeks.

My last appointment with my chiropracter was on my due date! January 13th. A Wednesday. I remember being near tears telling him how I was getting SO many phone calls, emails, and texts from well meaning friends and family asking me if I had given birth yet. I was so sick of responding "no but I will let you know!!" I know they were just as excited as I was! But so not what you want to be hearing when your heading to be overdue lol.

My Mom flew in from Florida Wednesday night. I was ready at that point. I wanted her to have as much time with the new baby as possible.. so I was hoping she'd come right away! But I knew in the end. She'd come when she was good and ready ;-)

The next day was Thursday and I was showing my mom the routine for the two other kids who she'd be watching for me. I started having contractions but I told her let's continue on our day and we would see what happened. They were on and off all day.

When my husband got home that night I was lieing in bed and they were not letting up on me.. Around 6 I decided to nurse Sami and put him to bed. A half hour earlier than normal. But he hadn't napped so he was all for it. I nursed him , put him down, then called my midwife to explain to her the situation. She told me since I was so far from the hospital (*About an hour*) It would be best if I Came in to see what was going on..

I went in and got checked. 1 cm.. WHAT?! Are you JOKING ME?! This is my THIRD baby! I should be like.. 6 cm dialated! lol. She told me to get up and walk around for an hour or so to see if I made any change.

She checked me again at 10 pm. and told me maybe I had made a SLIGHT change. But she said not much, I may not be in labor- but they would keep me overnight "just in case" .. Just great! I was thinking. They wanted me to lie down and try to rest since I had only gotten 3 or 4 hours of sleep the night before and you could just see the exhaustion on my face. Roxie *The midwife on call* told me to call if and when I felt I needed a midwife with me.

So I laid down with my husband and right after my check the contractions became INTENSE. Definitely real labor contractions. I told the nurse and she said it was probably just from the exam and it was likely they would subside soon.

So I tried to rest. But I couldn't. I found myself gripping at Husam's shirt and arms with every contraction.. He was also exhausted and slept through most of this- believeing that I wasn't actually in labor and we'd be going home in the morning.. The labor room we were in had a queen sized bed and it was really nice to have him laying down with me..

Around 1 am I got up out of the bed as I clearly couldn't sleep. And I kept feeling like I had to go to the bathroom- but everytime I sat on the potty I couldn't! I was getting really frustrated. I started stomping around the room, squatting at the end of the bed with each contraction. Husam sat up and said "Come back to bed, you aren't in labor" I said YES I AM! This hurts WAY too much to not be labor- Go GET SOMEONE!!!!!

He leaps out of bed and runs to the nurses station and tells them "I think the baby is coming!" I didn't think it was that serious but I definitely wanted my midwife at this point (I knew after midnight my very favorite midwife was on call-Lisa- so I knew she'd be a great calming support for me) The nurses checked me and I was "6-8" cm - Which irritated me because I felt they should be able to narrow it down more than that...

SO they called Lisa. At this point it felt like an ETERNITY and I lost track of time. My body was shaking and fighting the urge to push- I was not checked anymore after this point. It wasn't nessecary. My body knew what to do. I asked the nurses if I could get in the tub as I had heard them filling it up for awhile but they said it wasn't filled yet. I really just think they were waiting for my midwife to get there.. They were trying to tell me "Just calm down you are in transition" NO SHIT! this IS my third child. I know what's going on here! THanks! UGH!

Finally at 1:35 a very tired looking Lisa walks in! I lifted my head off the bed and saw her. I smiled. Dropped my head back down and said "THANK GOD! Can I get in the tub?!" Lisa said yes let's go! I stripped my robe off and jumped right in. I know they helped me in. I was just so exhausted at this point. I was ready to have Samirah here!!

The Tub brought me GREAT relief. I was able to focus. And concentrate on the task at hand. Lisa was checking the babies heartbeat here and there (As you can see her doing in this picture to the left. She would announce the heartbeat each time and I remember asking "Is that okay??" She told me "I will tell you if there is something to worry about" She squatted in front of me and was so calming. I remember looking up and seeing her face and feeling calm. I told her i want to get the baby out. SHe said "Then do it!!"

I began vocalizing and letting my body push. I realized me making noise was not effective .. Although no one told me what to do. Which was a nice change from my last birth where I was arguing with my OB to not give me an episiotomy as I was pushing out my son!!!

I pushed a few times in the kneeling position you see above, then I felt i should lean back. That was the only time Lisa gave me any kind of instruction lol and it was to sit on the one side of the tub where it was more curved. So I leaned back and pushed another moment or two. The burning began and it gave me even more reserve to push that little one into this world!!!

And then.. At 2:15 am on Friday, the 15th of January 2010 She came.. . So beautifully into this world.. Floating up to greet me for the first time. She was calm and alert. She did not come into this world screaming as her brother and sister did. She looked up at me with her big beautiful eyes. I could hear her breathing. I could feel her heart beating. And we just stared into eachother's eyes in the most perfect moment. It was awesome.
It was so calm.. So perfect.. So wonderful. If I ever decide to have a 4th child. This will be the way I birth. I can't imagine anyone wanting to birth any other way.. THen the rush of those natural birth hormones kicked in. You can see the looks on my face while I was in labor. Pure exhaustion- to after.. Completely alert and in awe of my miracle.

As I lay with her on my chest enjoying this very special moment with my husband looking on. *And taking the pictures of course! Capturing the moment on film to have forever* My midwife came in with a towel "We have to hear her cry" she said "She's breathing I told her.. She's fine. She laughed- I know! But we have to hear her cry.. So she began to rub Samirah's back. Samirah seemed slightly annoyed by this. She began to grunt a little bit... I giggled. She finally let out a cry!!! Then my midwife asked if I wanted to deliver the placenta in the tub or get out- so I just stood up and out it came. I sat back down in the tub with Samirah and enjoyed her for a few more minutes and then my midwife wanted me to get out onto the bed to see what was going on with me.

I had two small tears... so I only needed two stitches. I was able to lay and nurse Samirah for the first time at this point. She was pretty good from the start. She had a bit of trouble latching on. But I'm a seasoned breastfeeding Mom so I was able to fix it pretty much right away.

I so enjoyed these moments. Our first time nursing. She was just so beautiful. So perfect.. I felt triumphant.. I felt wonderful., I felt so pleased I had given her a warm welcoming birth. She was born into dimmed lights (As you can see from the photos) And into my arms. It was perfect and I only wished I had birthed my other two in water. If only I knew how perfect a birth it was to do so. But that is the birth of the baby we now refer to as "Meerkitten" And wouldn't you know she LOVES bathtime!? My other two would scream and cry as babies in the bath. But Samirah loves it. She immediately gets a relaxed look over her face and she loves to sit in her little tub and relax. It's amazing and it makes me laugh every time at my "water baby" She is still an incredibly calm wonderful baby (As were my other two) I feel blessed to have her here.
And I'm happy to share the story of her birth with all of you!!!

Samirah Husam Shahin
Born Friday, January 15th 2010
2:15 am
8 lbs 3 oz
20 and 3/4 inches

A Mother's worry..

I remember being pregnant with Nadia.. Late in my pregnancy there was a day that I felt she wasn't moving as she normally did. So I was sent to the hospital for a NST.. I remember sitting there as the lady ran the ultrasound over my belly telling me she was just fine and I had told her "I was just so worried something was wrong" And she told me something that sticks with me until this day. "She is in the safest place she will ever be. Once they are born there will always be something to worry about. When they are babies you worry about SIDS, then they become toddlers and you worry about them getting hurt getting into something, at school age you worry about who they are hanging around, then they start to drive!!" I would never know how right she was until they got here. I know at the time I was thinking- but I could protect them when they are here! But she was so right... There is always something to worry about with them.. I worry a lot too. I'm so overprotective of them.. Husam often suggests activities for them but I veto them if I feel it's too dangerous. He tries to talk sense into me that they can get hurt doing just about anything! And he is probably right. But I like to keep the chances of them getting hurt as low as possible. And the less risky things they do- the lower I keep that risk. Call me crazy. But it's how I run things around here.

AAAANNNYYYWAAAYS. I check on the kids every night before I head to bed myself. I did it when I had one- I do it now that I have 3. First I put Samirah in my bed. I had just finished nursing her, so put her down and kissed her. Then to see how Nadia is. I make sure she is breathing (I realize she's 4 but it's habit at this point) She is, but she kicked off her covers and I tuck her back in and give her a kiss. Then I go into Sami's room (Only one who doesn't co sleep anymore) He has a video moniter so I watch him that way. But I go in to check him, I put my hand through his hair and immediately Mommy alarms set off. He is BURNING UP! Panic sets in, as it always does when one of them are sick. I start to think a million things, is he okay, we are getting a snowstorm tomorrow what if I can't get him to a doctor or hospital!.. What if the baby gets it!? She'll have to be hospitalized!!! So as you can see I may be a bit neurotic. But oh well. I always say you can never care too much!

So off I rush to get the thermometer. Sure enough the poor guy has a fever of 102.7 .. Of course I"m terribly upset. I call for Husam to bring the motrin. Sami wakes up and seems fine other than the out of control fever. We give him the Motrin, I nurse him, and put him back to sleep.

I spent the rest of the night laying awake worrying about all I stated above. and walking around taking everyone's temperature every 30 minutes..

A Mother's Worry. And to think- it only gets worse from here!

Still working...

On getting my birth story from Samirah written up.. It's slow going around here lately with lots and lots going on!!

However- There is another subject that is near and dear to my heart that I'd like to blog about! BREASTFEEDING! WOo! Who else besides me could be so passionate about the subject? It's my dream to become a lactation consultant when I'm done having children and they are all grown.. I will get there one day! Right now my most important place is in the home. But I do everything I can for breastfeeding advocacy. I'm a paid up member of LLL and I attend meetings regularly .. I've found a lot of support there where others have turned me away. Such as my doctors. I really feel the medical community fails us as women in this area.. Not only this area... But especially this area.. (As well as the big to do they make about giving birth which is a natural thing) That's a whole other blog though!!

I currently nurse my 22 month old son and my 1 month old daughter. I fully believe on nursing until 2 years (The WHO's reccomendation) and as long after that as mother and child mutually desire. There are so many health benefits to mother and child why WOULDN'T you nurse?!?!?! Cancer risks reduced in mother and child, fewer ear infections (My first little one just had her first ear infection and she's 4!!) There are so many health benefits the list could go on and on- But you could google that and see over and over again breast is undisputed the best for every baby.

When I got pregnant with Samirah there wasn't a doubt in my mind I'd continue to nurse Sami.. Her pregnancy was my first "surprise" I never got a period back so I assumed my fertility hadn't returned. But 1 month after Sami turned 1 I had feelings that I could be pregnant _ And I was :-D A wonderful surprise- But I was commited to continuing to nurse Sami. For the first 5 months of my pregnancy it was easy and FINE! No problems. Around 6 months I was bigger, more tired, and more sensitive and it got tougher. But I promised myself and him I would carry on.. Now.. IT was at one of my LLL meetings another mother suggested setting boundries when I expressed how exhausted I was and sometimes I just wanted to say NO but felt so guilty. Setting boundries allowed me to continue nursing all the way to delivery day!!

I nursed Sami before I went to the hospital. I was having contractions and I knew that was "it" ..I went to the hospital THursday night after I nursed Sami and put him to bed for the night. Samirah was born Friday morning at 2:15 am. I missed Sami so bad and I felt awful leaving him all day Friday without me. It was the first time we were ever apart. So first thing Saturday morning I asked my midwife to discharge me a day early. I had a completely natural water birth so of course there were no problems with me going home early which was wonderful.

I anticipated seeing Sam the whole drive home! He was waiting at the window for me and I could see his excitement! I walked through the door and we hugged and we were both thinking the same thing "NUR NUR MA!" he said. I said you betcha! We sat right there on the living room floor and nursed!!

Now I have an awesome nursing relationship going on.. It can be tiring at times.. But are my kids worth it?? You bet!!!!

What are YOUR thoughts on the subject of extended and/or tandem nursing?

Making a mental note..

Okay.. A public mental note.. But a mental note none the less.. I've had like 4 different blogs going in my head that I've wanted to write and things have just been craaazy around here!! Not to mention my husband got a few days off of work (which NEVER happens!!) So we've been doing a lot of family activities and such..

Annnnnyways- I really would like to blog about my waterbirth with Samirah. It was such a beautiful experience and I'd love to share the details. More so than I was able to when she was first born and I had rushed it. Sooo this is my mental note to remember to do so! There- hoping to have it up in a day or two! Ill include pictures as well :-)